Current time: 2.30 am 

It has been more than a year since I have written something I REALLY wanted to write, but like always my inspiration came out of nowhere… Okay I´m lying It came from being in my bed with Comptine d'un autre été by Yann Tiersen playing in the background which has become my #1 jam when I want to feel inspired, I highly recommend it to you.

Why I am I writing again? You may ask yourself. Well I have no idea, let’s just see how all the ideas develop while I’m writing. Maybe I’ll start by talking about the tremendous changes in my life that have happened in this year. I started the university. I’m in the English Program, nobody expected that, I hated how everybody just kept telling me you can study Medicine or Engineering and all that bullshit that by being a teacher I’m wasting my intelligence, let me tell you a thing FUCK OFF. I will study want I want to study, and if I fuck up it’s my fault and that’s when I will know I’m not a kid anymore.

So yes, I’m a college boy now, another of the changes is that I finally don’t give a rat’s ass about what people think about my sexuality. I’m gay and I have been “hiding” all my childhood and most of my teenage life, I’m obviously so freaking scared because well let me tell you a little secret… this world we are living sometimes is a shithole but we must suck it up and keep living. By the way I don’t hate the world we’re living in just the society we are forced to live.

I love the fact that I don’t care about my sexuality but I’m still scared of saying this on my blog, that is one of the dreadful things about being gay, you don’t always feel safe. Specially in the city I live. I’m scared of what people are going to say to my mom. I don’t want her to get hurt because of me. I remember when I came out to my parents, my mom started crying and she told me, quote: “What did I do wrong?” It was sad and beautiful that she thought she made something wrong because I was gay. She didn’t blame me she blamed herself. And I love her so much and I know she loves me, it has been an interesting journey from denying to tolerance and know acceptance, I think my dad didn’t had a problem with me being gay. That was 3 years ago, when I came out. I was 14.

It’s hard being gay, that’s what I usually think, but then it came to me that LIFE IS HARD FOR EVERYONE, it doesn’t matter if you are part of the LGBTQ+ community, race, cultural backgrounds, nationalities. Life is hard but Life is beautiful and it’s a gift sometimes we don’t value. We should appreciate what God, the universe or anything that you believe in gave us, even if sometimes what they gave us was a rough time, we learned from that rough time and it made us stronger and wiser. Now let’s go out a little bit of topic.

Is it weird that a 17-year-old gay boy worries to much about a future? Sometimes it happens spontaneously maybe I have been so happy the entire day but then midnight comes and I can’t sleep and in that exact moment my brain starts to ramble on anything like: “Will you ever be a dad?” “Are you going to find a man and marry someday?” “Will he someday realize you love him?” “Will you ever tell him?”

I got really dark the last two questions, I’m listening to The xx maybe that’s the reason, but let’s get deep with the last two questions. Well I’m in love but the thing is the person who I love, is straight (I think so), I’ve known him for years, and  I didn’t want so bad to catch feelings for him but one day he just looked me in the eyes and I felt how my heart stopped. And then every time I see him I just want to touch him, not in the sexual way, I just feel the need to sense him near me, to breathe his scent. HE DRIVES ME CRAZY but I don’t think I will tell him that I love him. I don’t want him to be awkward around me, he knows that I’m gay and he still loves me, as a friend.

I guess I will end this “Monologue” I call them that way because I don’t know what they are. And they sound more interesting that way. So maybe I will write soon. Take care.

BE YOURSELF, LOVE YOURSELF, AND ALWAYS CHOSE LOVE INSTEAD OF HATE